I’VE BEEN ROBBED!!

Posted on March 11, 2011 by nathanieljwilliams

Imagine checking your pocket or pocketbook to find your wallet missing, coming home to find your front door ajar, or looking at your car and noticing that the back window has been smashed.  We would all be appalled at such sights.  In all of these situations, we would go the police and seek their assistance in getting to the bottom of the crime.  We would expect the police to take pictures, possibly dust for fingerprints, increase patrols in the area, and generally exercise greater vigilance to prevent further robberies.  We should juxtapose our own lives with this robbery scene.  We have experienced way too many situations in which our voices, thoughts, and actions have been robbed from us in our quest for decency, success, and righteousness, and we have allowed these crimes to go unreported.  We have allowed ourselves to be robbed due to inaction and acceptance of the status quo and mediocrity.  We have known that circumstances are wrong and detrimental, and we have accepted our situation by maintaining silence and complicity.

There is currently a well-watched TV show built on the premise of “What would you do if …..”.  This show is popular because it is asking a deep question.  What would you do if you saw something wrong—that is, morally and/or ethically wrong?   Would you let a crime against someone or humanity stand by allowing your thoughts, actions, and words to be robbed of their use because the situation is a challenge and asks you to “stand up”?  We all hope that the answer for us is no, but we know that too often, the answer is yes.

Theft of positive lived experience must be allowed to stand no longer.  We must recognize that there is no police station to go to.  We are the authority, and our weapon is ACTION with COURAGE to right the wrongs we see.  This police station is where we live, work, and play everyday.  As you patrol, please be on the lookout for these unreported crimes of silence.

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VICARIOUS LIVING – “Will the real ______ please show up, participate, and make a difference?”

Posted on January 12, 2011 by nathanieljwilliams

               Recently I was invited to deliver a motivational speech at a juvenile detention facility to approximately 80 male youth.  This experience changed my life.  The members of the audience motivated me much more than I could have ever hoped to motivate them.  Looking at a room full of “untapped potential” reopened my eyes to the challenges we face as individuals.  In many ways, those of us who are not incarcerated are more constrained than the young men who are held by a barbed-wire fence, alarms, and correctional officers.  We are imprisoned by lives led vicariously—by our tendency to watch life from the sidelines, from a distance, and to allow other people to tell our stories.  Other people can never tell our story with full accuracy.

                We live in a society full of opportunities for vicarious living.  To live vicariously is to participate in life and/or an event as though you are an invited and integral guest.  A vicarious existence is one lived secondhand, in a manner displaced from direct experience.  Just because we are able to witness a situation, we begin to believe that we are truly involved in it.  In this manner, we convince ourselves that the role we play, even as a voyeur and sideliner makes a real difference in the story and its outcome.  In this way, we can participate in a lived experience that enables us to live out some of the stories we don’t want seen or told.  Over the long term, this vicarious mode of being robs us of the opportunity to maximize our potential and live an enriched life.

                Here are some common forms of vicarious living:

 Television is the most time-consuming daily activity for most people.  This medium is full of opportunities for vicarious living.

 Radio allows us to take part in conversations we would never be privy to  otherwise.  It also makes it possible for us to listen to a plethora of artists we might never hear in a different forum.

 Newspapers/Gossip Columns offer us awareness of events that have the potential to affect our lives as well as events that have no potential impact on us.  Sometimes we can’t distinguish the difference.

 Pornography enables us to watch the most intimate acts from a distance.    Thus, so many lack the information and skills to connect with another in a mutual exchange of love and appreciation.

 Music used to be a form of art that one could only enjoy in person.  Over the last century, opportunities to hear music from a distance have dramatically increased.

 Playing the lottery allows us to imagine obtaining vast wealth, even though the likelihood of winning the lottery is lower than the odds of obtaining leprosy twice in a lifetime.  However, gaining financial literacy seems more of a chore than necessity.

 Texting makes it possible to communicate with someone in an intimate manner as though he or she were present.  In fact, we sometimes text people who are in the same room.

                As we come to the realization that parts of our daily existence is based on vicarious living, we need to ask ourselves, “Why does this happen?”  I believe this happens because at some point we internalized the idea that we cannot measure up and therefore must associate with other people, places, and things who have entered the situations we fear and we must do this behind some sort of veil to protect being directly exposed and potentially hurt/rejected.  The effect of this kind of experience is that we sit back and allow other entities to tell our story.  Living authentically in the moment requires us to be prepared to exercise maturity and tell our own true story.  Sometimes even when we finally get the strength to do this, we tend to boast and/or embellish the facts, thereby cheapening the experience for others and ourselves.  We must fight the urge to minimize our efforts to truly live in the full moment by showing up, being an active participant, and allowing the experience to foster growth and change in us and others.  We should walk away from a situation knowing we are better for having been a part of it.

                We must garner the strength to live in the moment, embracing the present and all of its possibilities.  We must believe that we are okay the way we are, even though we are a work in progress and improvements will always be in order.  We must recognize that these improvements will occur through the process of coming into direct contact with life’s experiences.  Continuing to exist vicariously will not suffice.  We must be able to touch and feel life through our five senses – taste, touch, smell, sight, and hearing.  The world and its landscape are so large and rich that we reluctantly cannot be all the places that we would like to be at once.  That still does not give us permission to live a vicarious life.  It should spark an interest and desire to experience all we can first hand, upfront, and personal.  We should make every effort to capitalize on opportunities to communicate with our family and friends, engage in personal development, conduct our finances, pursue health and fitness, educate ourselves, and seek spiritual development.  We must be working on all of this in an effort to be present and available.  Otherwise, we cannot experience the aspects of life in the fullest manner.

                Vicarious living steals our voices, robs us of our imagination, and devastates our relationships.  Vicarious living creates an awkward silence where a true story should be told – not a lie or fabrication.  No one can tell your story better than you.  There is only one situation in which another person should tell your story—your obituary.  In this case, the story should be about how you lived in the fullness of the moment.  If your obituary were written today, what would it say?

                We live in a world where we have great ability to be anywhere that we want to be physically.  We could go most places, figuratively and literally, if we wanted to, but many of us choose not to.  It seems as though we are denying our potential.  There must be a personal and collective declaration to say “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.”  We must not live in the shadows of our full self any longer.  We must work toward reaching our destiny and find no more comfort in despair.  We must be eager to unearth the potential our life holds.  We must recognize that we must truly be in it to win it.

 Dr. Nathaniel J. Williams – January 12, 2011 – www.drnatwilliams.com

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Life’s Game of Tag

Posted on November 5, 2010 by nathanieljwilliams

LIFE’S GAME OF TAG: BEING THAT SPECIAL “IT”

We all remember the times in our early lives when we played the game of tag. We can recall what it was like when someone touched us to make us “it,” and how we almost injured ourselves trying to touch another person so that he or she could be “it” and we could take a break from running to breathe a little easier. When we now think of the lengths that we went through not to be “it,” we have to wonder how we are still here today! As we have gotten older and our desire to play the game of tag has waned. We have all paid the price for our loss of enthusiasm and for not resting until we passed on the designation of “it” to someone else. Although the designation of being “it” did not truly matter in the larger scheme of things when we were children, it has become important as we matured into adolescents and adults. Sadly, our seeking to find others and remind them that they are “it” has slowed to a pace this is unrecognizable, or has completely stopped.

A major part of the game of tag is the dispersing of the group to different locations to avoid being caught, as winning the game requires that we disperse while keeping a watchful eye on others. As we age, we seem to forget this rule, and begin to believe that dispersing so that we can all win and not get caught is a bad thing. However, if we all dispersed with the intention of winning and getting back together, we would gain so much, as we would find the good “spots” that we would never have found had we stayed together. We need to recognize that we are “on our own, but not alone.”

The designation of being “it” is even more crucial today in our fight to counter some of society’s greatest tragedies affecting the human spirit. If we are to combat bullying, suicide, discrimination, and the like, we must be prepared to relaunch that old game of tag and let people know that they can become “it” once again. We must let them know that they matter and are valuable, as well as that life is so enriched by their presence and, more importantly, their participation. A major contribution to the tragedies of bullying, suicide, and discrimination is that so many of the victims and perpetrators suffer from poor self-esteem because too few people let them know that they are valued and appreciated.

The game of tag in later life needs to be played slightly differently, as we now know that once we receive the designation of “it,” it travels with us in our mind, body, and spirit, and we should never lose or give it away. Our goal now is to pass it on to someone else who may have never received it or has lost confidence in his or her designation. One factor that gets in the way of playing the game of tag later in life is the “doing me syndrome.” So many current television shows highlight tragedies of the human spirit that are ignored by the many and addressed by the few. We can watch people being humiliated, abused, and lying in the street while others watch and do nothing. We have to understand that the paramount rule in this new game of tag is that I can get “it” and so can you. That is, we can be “it” together; no one has to be left behind, as there is room for us all. We see every night on the news what happens to people who have been left behind or feel they have been left behind. It is becoming unbearable to watch them and keep living as “innocent bystanders” who have no responsibility to make a change.

What does this new game of tag look like in everyday behavior? It is just speaking to, making eye contact with, and recognizing others while remaining present and available. Having reverence for every person, regardless of his or her station in life, is critical in this new game of tag. When we run into “reluctant players,” we must be steadfast in our determination to change the rules of the existing game of life. We must focus on building up people, places, and things, using our energy only to do things that contribute and make a positive difference. When life challenges this new determination, we must be prepared to firmly answer back, “I no longer live like that. I know that I am special and am not alone in being special. I just need to be reminded that I am special and matter. I will seek to let others know that they are the same. I will not keep a tally. I will just start living differently now. You are IT!”

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Launch Your True Self

Posted on July 8, 2010 by nathanieljwilliams

Launch Your True Self: Guide to Reframing Challenging Life Events

By Nathaniel J. Williams, Ed.D., MHS, MPA, MBA

Every person faces countless challenges in his life. There is no way to escape these challenges, and we cannot consciously control many of them. Though they can come in many forms–divorce, death of a loved one, loss of a job, health issues, a particularly embarrassing moment, challenge to our spiritual beliefs or a difficult childhood, for example- all challenging life events have commonalities: they are life-altering and can keep us trapped in the moment for years, consciously or not.

When I examined my own life, I realized that I had been standing at the foot of my mother’s casket for 35 years, grieving her loss in so many ways in my daily life. I realized that in order to let go of it, put it into perspective, and place it in its rightful place in my life, I had to ‘reframe’ it: turn this challenging life event into a positive opportunity for empowerment and enlightenment.

First step for any person is to identify the challenging life event and explore where it may have influenced our life—not easy to do since we are generally blind to this past event’s existence in our present life. For example, you may have experienced a challenging life event that would fall under the theme of ‘protection’ (in which case you did not feel protected) and today, have an aversion to banks, require numerous medical opinions, or are hypersensitive to criticism. You can see how that challenging life event shows up in ways not immediately recognized.

Recall a past event that had a profound effect on you at the time. Write down your thoughts and feelings as a result of that event, immediately following it or years after. Consider how it may have impacted other areas of your life such as spirituality, family and friends, and financial, as listed on the chart.    

Failure to appreciate the significance of these challenging life events prevents us from reaching our full potential and can exert a lasting impression on others and ourselves. Reframing the event allows us to truly understand it and use it to launch ourselves forward, rather than allowing it to hold us back. For example: a person who was a victim of childhood abuse might turn the hurt, pain, embarrassment and loss of power and control he suffered as a child into an opportunity to share what he learned and work towards prevention and empowerment of himself and others.

In the case of my mother’s death, I reframed my feelings of abandonment and isolation into the understanding that she had stayed with me as long as she could and didn’t leave before giving me the blueprint to be all I could be. Today, I view my life as a train ride upon which my mother is with me. I imagine that I am taking her to places that surprise her and places she envisioned her children would go. Write down the “old framed” view and associated feelings and thoughts (in my case, feelings of abandonment/isolation) and next to them, the “reframed” feelings and thoughts (my mother already gave me all that I need.)

The most important aspect of reframing is recognizing that whatever person, place, thing, words, metaphor, character, etc. we use to replace the challenging life event, we must avoid reframed concepts that point fingers, assign blame, refer to our own or others shortcomings, or elicit any other negative connotation. Positioned on a positive and empowering foundation, a truly reframed event is one upon which a person can build and from which we can launch our true selves.

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The 4C’s of Compassion

Posted on January 27, 2010 by nathanieljwilliams

I feel compelled that we must learn something about ourselves to better prepare us to handle life’s challenges when they occur.

I believe our problem as a society is that we don’t have a way to:

“The 4Cs of Compassion – Care Consistently about the Capacity to Cope”

We allow for poverty, poor education, crime, abuse, coping, health, and environmental issues to go unaddressed until a crisis occurs. Then we temporarily overreact.  The amounts of money which go from one crisis to another are so misused. 

A consistent effort to care is the only solution.

So often our philanthropic efforts are part of the problem because they don’t recognize the full society or the full person. They don’t have to address all the needed issues, but they need to be in concert with others who address the other aspects of the full community and/or person.

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We Must Do Better

Posted on December 8, 2009 by nathanieljwilliams

There are 500,000 in foster care in the United States on any given day and 800,000 children who go through the system in a year’s time. I don’t think anybody realizes the magnitude of this movement of precious lives. The traffic of these 800,000 children would make them tied to be the 13th largest city in the US. Imagine all of the people living in Jacksonville, San Francisco, Austin, Memphis, or Baltimore being asked to leave their city so just the nation’s foster care children could live in one place. Mind you this is only the children, if you included their parents, grandparents, and siblings who are not in foster care the impacted numbers by foster care would truly be astronomical. Because the impact of children in foster care is muted by the disbursement throughout the United States we don’t recognize the true cost of this phenomenon. These children, who often through no fault of their own, are placed in a system that was never meant to be their surrogate parent but attempts to do the best that it can. We all know that government was never meant to take the place of a family – especially a parent. So often foster children graduate to other systems of correction, supports, and services at a great cost to all.

We must garner the strength and conviction to support these children, their families, and communities. I recently worked with a young teenager, already a mother of a 5 month old, to stay connected to her family and prevent placement in the foster care system. As the grandmother and young teen mom attempted to reconcile their differences which could allow them to stay together, the system worked to bring them apart. As a product of the nation’s largest cities, New York’s, foster care system I refused to let this happen. I know what it is like to be placed in foster care at age 5 along with 9 other siblings, to be shuffled often 100s of miles away from home. Thus, I committed to personally provide the nominal funds to aid this family in staying together. I challenge caring adults everywhere to embrace these children and do what we can to make this segment of our population under the population of the 50th largest city – 375,000 by 2015. A 2008 report cited “of those children who grow up in foster care, more than 30 percent don’t finish high school, and only about 3 percent obtain a bachelor’s degree.” We can, we must, do better by these vulnerable children through concern by advocacy and philanthropic support.

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